I was doubled over in excruciating pain. My upper abdomen felt like it was on fire and the pain radiated down toward my pelvis. I was twenty-seven weeks pregnant with our fourth baby and knew it wasn’t time for our girl to make her entrance.
We’d sought out the help of a wonderful midwife that loved us through our previous home birth. Our experience with the birth of our third child, Lauren was so life altering and beautiful in every way, that I had zero concern about doing it again. Lauren’s delivery felt magical for so many reasons. I knew I was in the beginning phases of labor the night before she was born but delayed telling my husband just how ‘much in labor’ I really was, until it was too late. By the time I sounded the alarm, our midwife Suzanne, didn’t have enough time to make it to our house. Tim quickly found himself in a situation that he wasn’t trained for, nor did we ever think possible. In our bedroom, he helped me deliver our beautiful baby girl.
The entire experience changed the course of our life forever. After delivering Lauren, Tim made the bold decision to chase after a career in medicine, which thrust us into one of the busiest seasons of our life.
Less than a year after Lauren was born, Tim was in the thick of taking hard science classes to get into medical school, as well as working full time to provide for our growing family. You can imagine our shock when we found out we were pregnant with our fourth baby. We didn’t have health insurance, therefore decided to once again, hire the help of our midwife Suzanne.
We didn’t have much margin for the unexpected… or so we thought.
Just days before I was doubled over in pain, my midwife told Tim and me that she would need to refer me to a higher level of care because I was terribly anemic, and the risk of a home birth was just too great. We consulted a family friend (Ob/Gyn) who let me know that when my medical insurance kicked in, he would send me for a blood transfusion.
But unfortunately, two days before our insurance kicked in, the pain was unbearable, and my appointment was still a few days out. Tim called our OB and he told us to come right in. Upon arrival, he examined me and told us I was not in labor but there was undoubtedly something wrong. After a few procedures, I was given five units of blood and transferred from Fallon to Reno (sixty miles away).
The surgeon immediately told us that I’d need surgery. It came with great risk to me and our unborn baby. Before being taken back for surgery, I asked Tim to call all of our family and close friends and get them to the hospital.
I knew the risks involved, therefore wanted the opportunity to look each of them in the eyes before the surgery began. Through an ugly amount of tears, I struggled to utter the words I felt needed to be communicated. I asked them all to stay until after the surgery because there was a chance our baby girl wouldn’t survive the operation.
Whether she lived or died, I wanted them to kiss her, hold her, and tell her goodbye, even if I was unable too. I wanted them to see her hands and feet. I wanted them to love on her and kiss her sweet face. I needed to know that they would remember every detail of her face and the way her skin felt. I wanted them to commit every moment with her to memory just in case I never got to hold her myself.
Laying on a hospital bed, I kissed my husband goodbye, and was rolled back for surgery. I remember laying on the cold gurney and trembling from head to toe. I was so scared for my life and the life of my unborn baby. The anesthesiologist was very aware of the risks involved and he saw my hurting heart.
Unable to stop my tears, he leaned in close, grabbed my hand, and with a reassuring voice whispered, “Momma, don’t worry. I will take good care of both of you.” And with that, he pushed the medication into my IV to put me to sleep.
God is with us even in the midst of our worst pain.
I woke up in so much pain and there was no doubt, I was in labor. With every contraction the incision running up and down my belly, felt like it was going to burst wide open.
Still coming out of sedation, I heard the surgical nurse urgently communicating with someone on the phone. With a stern voice she said, “Get her off my floor, she is in labor, we are not prepared for this!” And with that, dozens of people, bolted through the door. I was swiftly rolled down the hall, onto an elevator where my husband met us, and into the delivery room. They were trying to stop the labor with magnesium sulfate (crazy stuff). I honestly thought I was dying. My mind felt so foggy as the room seemed to whirl around me. Looking at Tim, I thought, “Okay God… this is what it is like…. I am about to meet you. I’m okay with that, but what about him?” The grief my heart was experiencing was so heavy. I felt helpless to control any of the situation.
In the midst of all the chaos, I looked up at Tim and whispered, “Please take care of my babies.” All while, silently I begged God to give me more time.
I know your situation looks very different than mine, but your desperation may feel just the same.
In our scariest moments, God wants us to know that He sees our pain and knows our heart.
The doctor confidently told me, “Don’t worry, I am taking care of you!” and I know full well God cares for us far more than any human ever could therefore, I can trust Him.
Have you forgotten today that no matter what, he is right there with you?
Hebrews 13:5c God says; “I will never leave you nor forsake you”
I am not going to lie… I was terrified.
I was terrified:
…that my daughter was going to be born too early.
… that my husband was going to have to raise our kids alone.
… that I wasn’t going to be able to share those beautiful smiles our kids give us anymore.
… that she (my unborn daughter) was going to die and I wouldn’t get to tell her goodbye.
We all experience times of immense pain and trials that threaten to rob us of our future. It’s there that God asks us to trust Him.
The days and months following my surgery were filled with so many question marks.
We wondered if Tim would be able to continue classes to get into medical school. How would we pay for all of this? The medications to stop labor made it so I was unable to move. I also was unable to see anything but shadows. I couldn’t open my eye and the right side of my face drooped — But, I was alive. Our baby was still alive and growing inside of me.
In the midst of uncertainty, God reminds us all that he’s taking care of us and we can trust Him with the outcome.
God asks us to trust Him, know Him more fully, and give birth to a faith filled future.
Faith is trusting an unknown future to a trustworthy God.
Isaiah 45:3; “I have hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.”
LOVE YOU FREINDS,
Nicole Howes
