Friendships can be tough, right? As I search the Bible, I see so many examples of women and how they navigated these difficult waters. I’ve been at a place in my life where I’m fed up with the cliché reasons of why women struggle to make real connections. Yes, there’s conflict but is that the worse thing? Conflict has a way of buffing out the rough spots in our life. The more I read, I see God calling us into sisterhood; deeper relationships that cannot be abandoned or given up on. Sisterhood no doubt brings conflict, but it also cultivates community and has the potential to propel our womanhood into incredible places.
Personally, I’ve felt myself pull back from relationships where I perceived I wasn’t enough. I’ve hidden away dreams, tightly guarded idea’s, and made sure I wasn’t ‘too much’ for others. Because Lord knows, I can be way too much. I’ve feared opening up and being vulnerable. I’ve felt deep angst when personal and private information was shared with others who didn’t care to see the best in me. I’ve played the comparison game and wished I was a little more like her; only to successfully lose myself in the process.
What if I fail in front of her and more accurately; what if she does ‘it’ way better than I ever could?
As I examine my own life and the lives of women in the Bible, I see a common thread; women compare and compete. We sell ourselves short and discount the unique season God has each of us in. We compare our weaknesses against another’s strengths, manipulate what we can’t control, and control the things we don’t fully understand.
Women who compete and jockey for position, unknowingly step back in areas where God is trying to move them forward.
Competition Breeds Contempt
The Bible is filled with relationships between women who did sisterhood well and others who did not. Nevertheless, we can learn a great deal from each story if we use their experiences as a mirror into our own lives. Here’s just a few:
Mary and Martha: In Luke 10:38-42, Martha is frustrated because she feels like she’s doing the ‘important work’ while Mary has time to sit and rest at Jesus’ feet. After being rebuked by Jesus, I can only imagine the look on Martha’s face and the anguish in her heart as she reflected on the totality of the situation. What if she would’ve been willing to sit and learn with Mary, rather than complain and compare herself to her.
Sarai and Hagar: In Genesis 16, after growing impatient with the place God had her, Sarai (Sarah) responded by running ahead and finding a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Sarai had yet to give her husband Abram (Abraham) any children, leaving her feeling inadequate and inferior.
The measuring stick she was using to gauge her womanhood was terribly flawed.
Sarai didn’t have what she thought she needed and took control of the narrative. Sarai had a servant named Hagar, whom she clearly trusted and loved dearly. She gave Hagar to Abram in order for him to have a child. I know, sharing your husband seems a bit wonky to us, but that’s how they did things, so let’s go with it.
Once Hagar became pregnant, we see their friendship begin to deteriorate. Hagar began to ‘despise her mistress’ (16:4) and Sarai’s entire plan backfired. Sarai complained to her husband. Whoa, how many times have we done the same thing when our best laid plan begins to go off course? Abram took the easy way out, giving Sarai permission to ‘handle the situation’ however she saw fit. From that point on, we begin to see Sarai mistreat Hagar. It doesn’t say what she did or what she said, but it left Hagar feeling like she had no other option, but to run and hide.
I bet this isn’t how Sarai imagined her story playing out. In the beginning she was eager to elevate her friend Hagar, but at some point, everything changed.
Leah and Rachel: Jump ahead a few chapters to Genesis 29-30. We see the toxic yet redemptive relationship between two sisters. Their father Laban placed them in an impossible situation. A man named Jacob was smitten with Rachel from the moment he saw her. He made a deal with Laban to work for seven years in order to marry Rachel only to be tricked into marrying her older sister, Leah. After realizing he’d been duped, Jacob made yet another deal and one week later, married Rachel.
Like every woman I know, Rachel and Leah couldn’t have been more different, and they knew it!
Rachel was a shepherd (29:9), which meant she was tough as nails. To top it off, she was breathtakingly gorgeous and had an incredible body. I’m picturing Wonder Woman. Strong, gorgeous, fighting off the bad guys… you know, all the things men and women alike are captivated by. By all outwardappearances, she had everything going for her.
Leah was plain and had weak eyes (29:17). She seemingly lived in her younger sister’s shadow. As the story continues, we see how much Jacob truly loved Rachel and the arrangement further complicated things. Jacob didn’t love Leah and she lived with that every single day.
Leah was fertile and seemingly got pregnant just by looking at Jacob. She’d given Jacob four sons, whereas Rachel was unable to have a baby.
They both had something the other wanted.
What Rachel had to offer seemed insignificant and of very little value in light of her sister’s success. Instead of pressing into God, she began to control the situation. According to Genesis 30:15, Rachel no longer allowed Jacob to sleep with Leah. Total savage move. Well played Rachel… Well, played. Effectively removing any further possibility for more children to come from Leah. Like Sara, she offered her servant to Jacob in order to build a family of her own. After gaining two sons via surrogacy, she declares, “I have had a great struggle with my sister, and I have won” (30:8). Won? Crazy stuff, right?!
We see this story play out for years. Eventually Rachel gives birth to two sons, which is a beautiful story within a story that I encourage you to read.
Between the two sisters and their servants, twelve sons were born. The story ends really well, but not before a tremendous amount of damage was caused. The dysfunctional relationship between sisters, bread resentment and fear amongst their kids that took decades to heal.As we all know, our insecurities ooze all over everyone around us. Does the story of a young man named Joseph and the ten brothers who sold him into slavery, ring a bell (Genesis 37)? The sons involved were Rachel and Leah’s kids.
Contentment Cultivates Community
I’ve never fought with another woman for the right to bear my husband’s children. Nor have I felt the deep pain of knowing I’m not loved the way she is; but I know what it’s like to feel less than and wish I had what someone else has. Like Martha, I’ve worked tirelessly to prepare something I thought would be amazing, only to later realizing it had very little value.
In my own life, I spend very little time comparing myself to celebrities or people outside my everyday life. I’ve never compared my singing to Jennifer Lopez. I’ve yet to look at incredible speakers and writers, such as Lysa Terkeurst or Priscilla Shirer, doing what I love to do and think I can shake a stick at their level of influence. While making meals for my family, I never feel ‘less than’ because Paula Dean could do it better. Instead, I find myself wanting to learnfrom these women and glean from their experiences.
The people I compare myself to the most and even unknowingly compete with are those closest to me.
How quickly I compare myself and my own mothering journey to my sister-in-law, Susan?
How often do I see my friend Christie and long to captivate a room the way she does?
How easy is it for me to hear my friend Julie speak to hundreds of women and wish I could teach the way she does?
How tempted am I to look at posts on Facebook from my friend Jessica and envy her poise, marriage, and family?
…and that’s just to name a few.
It’s the women who have the greatest potential to impact my marriage, children, and heart that I push back from, the most.
Why do we push back instead of press in? What if we chose to plow the field right alongside our sister’s instead doing it alone?
Overcoming differences and spurring one another on
If only Rachel and Leah could’ve seen the beauty within the other person and recognized the value, they collectively brought to the table. They both had something the other one needed. What if they had the wisdom to see they were two very different women but, one in purpose?
They both became the Mothers of Israel. I can’t even begin to wrap my brain around the impact their lives still have on the entire world.
Each one of these women had to give up something in order to see God’s kingdom advanced, but they failed to recognize it at the time.
“Everyone says they want community and friendship, but when that means accountability or commitment people run the other way.”~ Timothy Keller
We can learn so much from all of these women. In our own relationships we must find commonality with one another and persevere in spite of our own insecurities and preferences. These differences are a gift that can strengthen and help one another; pushing us toward obedience in Christ, right where we are.
Sometimes we think we can’t get it wrong. But we can!! We can miss out on the blessing of where God has us and the many incredible gifts we could receive if we only learned from those we are surrounded by.
Reflect:
Today, I encourage you to reflect on the women in your life. Picture their faces.
Now get really personal.
Ask yourself:
What are her strengths and how can I learn from her?
Have I pushed her away because her strengths seem to magnify my own perceived weaknesses? Her parenting style? Her marriage? Her gifts? Her talents? Her…?
Chances are, God wants to use her to influence of impact your life and vice versa. Choose to press in and see how He moves you forward.
Love you,
Nicole Howes
