After more than twenty years of marriage, my husband and I have learned a thing or two about wanting to walk away:

  • We’ve felt the deep pains as we’ve contemplated a life separate from each other.
  • We’ve rationalized and mulled over all the reasons why it would be easier to cut our losses.
  • We’ve felt the typhoon of life hit so hard that at the end of the storm, all that was left was the very dirty foundation we’d built upon.
  • We’ve hunkered down as the tornado of hurt, fear, and uncertainty raged around us.
  • We’ve released lightning bolts with words that set off major wild fires. The flames have burned so hot and scorched everything they’ve touched.
  • We’ve read into what we thought we heard, rather than what was actually spoken.
  • We’ve felt betrayed and abandoned, unloved and unwanted.
  • We’ve sat in silence as all the dust settled around us, not knowing what to say or how to move forward.
  • But we’ve also learned a gazillion things about hope, healing, forgiveness, and ultimately choose to walk out restoration, time and again.
  • We’ve climbed out of the shelter after the storm, grasped each other’s hands, and began the process of rebuilding what was lost.
  • We’ve clung tight to truth as the carpenter reframed the walls around us.
  • We’ve allowed healing salve to cover our wounds as the tender, raw spots began to heal.
  • We’ve felt the rushing waves of humility pour over us.
  • We’ve wept together as we sat in the aftermath of our own destruction and brick-by-brick rebuilt the trust once lost.

Oh marriage, the sweet gift of marriage; it has the power to bring out the very best and the very worst in all of us. No other human relationship has the ability to test our resilience or fortitude the way a marriage relationship does.

“Two shall become one” (Mark 10:8) – The symbolism is easily lost. But, oh my word… It’s so powerful. It screams, ‘You and me, no matter what.’

We must relentlessly pursue oneness. “Therefore, what God has joined together, man must not separate [by divorce].”

We are the difference maker.

Storms will inevitably come. Romans 12:9-10, offers five ways to be a difference maker in your marriage and gives us hope for any storm we may be facing.

“Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.” (Romans 12:9-10 MSG)

1. Actively love one another. “Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it.” This is not one of those instances where the ‘fake it till you make it’ mantra applies. Your spouse knows if you’re faking it, which is why it’s so important to be active in the way we love. Actively: pursue, listen, engage, communicate, touch… In other words, be all in.

2. Reject any hint of sin in your own life and the life of your marriage. “Run for dear life from evil.” Evil?! The word alone feels a bit harsh, right? Evil seems to take it up a notch or two. Is it really evil to lose my temper or shut my spouse out? Is it evil when I refuse to reconcile after I’ve been wounded or felt attacked? Surely this is referring to the big stuff like: porn, lying, an affair, pride. After all, those things are clearly way worse, right? Rest assured; this verse is referring to all of it. Sin is the one thing guaranteed to destroy everything it touches. You can’t dabble in a little bit of evil (sin) and come out unscathed.

And if we are truly ‘one flesh’ there will be times when we must call out sin in each other. This is one of the toughest storms to weather together, because it’s never easy to admit that what we are currently doing isn’t producing any sort of life. Our way of handling the situation, communicating, processing the hurt, speaking to our spouse, or listening, just to name a few. If what we are doing isn’t moving ‘us’ forward in our marriage then scripture says, “Run for dear life…” For many of us that means if we currently avoid certain ‘hard’ conversations and run for dear life from them; stay and do the best thing.

3. Gratitude. “Hold dear to what is good.” In the hard moments of marriage, I often neglect to remember the good stuff. For months we will sail through life giving and receiving love in beautiful ways, when out of nowhere it feels like the storm moves in. When this happens, I begin to recount all of the things that could be better or should be fixed. I allow all the negative to cloud my vision and often refuse to see the good. Gratitude is the act of feeling and being grateful. Celebrating the great things is biblical. Speaking those things out loud to your spouse is both uplifting and has a way of putting the challenge ahead into perspective. No matter where you are in your marriage relationship, we all could use a healthy dose of gratitude. When you are straight pissed off, what are the amazing things about him/her? You can’t abandon or lose sight of the important things when you recount the good. You will more tenderly address the hard things when you approach each other with gratitude, first. Be grateful way more often then you are ungrateful. It has a way of putting things into perspective.

4. Be good friend {with benefits}. “Be good friends who love deeply.” YES! YES! And Yes! What does it mean to be a friend, anyways? Well, I’m glad you asked. Here’s the definition of friend: ‘One attached to another by affection or esteem.’ Being a partner (friend) who is attached to your spouse through affection and/or esteem is a beautiful thing. Without friendship, we miss out on so much that Christ has for our marriage.

And what about Jesus? What does He say about friendship? Turns out there’s a whole lot but, nothing more important or direct as John 15:13, “No one has greater love [nor stronger commitment] than to lay down his own life for his friends.” When I reflect on this verse in light of marriage, I’m stirred. I desire to be the kind of friend to my husband that gives up my own personal comfort and preferences in order to make our friendship stronger.

Now to the {benefits} part: There are certain benefits of marriage. Yes, sex is the first that comes to mind and I think it’s a really great benefit, but it’s not everything. Being good friends is a benefit because it offers safety to be yourself, the ability to be fully known, and the security of not doing life, alone.

5. Think about your spouse, first. “Practice playing second fiddle.” The wording is so on point here. Practice means you’ll have to habitually and continuously keep doing it. Our routines have a funny way of keeping us in the same ole’ rut. “Practice” is key, because coming in second is so contrary to everything our culture teaches. When we make ‘practicing playing second fiddle’ a way of life {in our marriages} it means we will have to be good students and learn our spouses’ routines and ways of doing things, and then join them in those moments. NLT version says, “Take delight in honoring each other.” Take every opportunity to honor your spouse and even go one step further; delight in it. Whoa!

Each of us has a responsibility to be a difference maker in our marriage. Today, look for ways to respond differently, love more authentically, and selfless love and serve your spouse.

by Nicole
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