At some point, all of us will walk through grief and pain, as well as witness it in the life of another person. Be it physical or emotional, healing takes time and it’s rarely done on our own terms. It’s during those times that we either act as a healing salve in the life of another person or stifle the healing process all together.
Our response during these times will add shame and guilt or healing and protection. When someone puts their ideas smack dab on the shoulders of another person with the expectation of having them respond in the prescribed way, fractured relationship, often follows.
Those who sit with the hurting, recognize the value of the healing process. Healing takes time. And it rarely looks the same from person to person. Removing shame and guilt from the equation is transformational. Shame says, you should feel bad about the way you are doing things and feel condemnation over the pace (fast or slow) in which you are healing. When someone disagrees with the way you do or say something and in turn shames you into different behavior, healing is inhibited.
On some level we’ve all done it, and have also felt the weight of it, as well.
Shame is a terrible motivator.
Over the course of my life, I’ve seen this play out in so many ways. Often, people are totally well meaning but, their approach is demeaning, shaming, and intended to evoke a guilty feeling. In other words, “I need you to act or do {something} differently because you are making me feel uncomfortable or in some way hurting my feelings.” Rather than their words spurring you on into physical or emotional health, they hold you back.
We tend to always walk on eggshells around shamers, because we don’t want to hurt them or feel the sting of their words.
In my own life, I recognize my need for independence. I need freedom to act, think, and feel the way I believe is appropriate. When someone attempts to shame me into a certain behavior, I completely shut down. No one knows this more than my husband. Over two decades of marriage, he’s studied me well. He’s taken the time to learn what spurs me on toward healing and what weighs me down and keeps me rolling around in the muck of the situation.
I’ve delivered seven babies, had three major surgeries, gone through tremendous church hurt, as well as continue to heal from trauma in my childhood. I’ve needed a hell of a lot of emotional and physical help, along the way. We all need people in our lives that challenge us to think new thoughts and walk according to God’s truth.
My husband has helped me fight like a fierce warrior. He doesn’t always do it perfectly but, he’s always refused to shame or guilt me into a specific behavior. He’s helped me understand my own limitations, push me in areas where I don’t think it’s humanly possible, as well as given me permission to be independent and move at my own pace. Which if you know me, my pace is often fast. I plan, I prepare, and I want to see results. I hate sitting around.
Recently, I underwent one of the most difficult surgeries, both emotionally and physically. I was hurting. But, like every single time I’ve walked through something hard, like delivering babies, healing from surgery (for more on that read my previous article The Unexpected Grief of a Hysterectomy), or overcoming emotional trauma, my husband has stood in my corner.
With both words and actions, he’s pointed me toward Christ and helped me fight back in a healthy way.
In the recovery room, still groggy and in a tremendous amount of pain, I realized that I’ve heard him consistently say the same thing through difficult times. I believe the things I’ve heard and seen him model, when applied to our lives, can transform our relationships and the way we sit with the hurting.
Here are three things you can say and more importantly ‘do’ when someone is in the process of healing. Your ability (willingness) to transform your thinking will infuse life, instead of shame.
- ‘You are doing a great job.’
People want to feel heard, as well as know that someone sees their pain. You don’t have to agree with the person or even think their route to healing is healthy. They will never welcome you in, if you don’t first acknowledge where they’ve been.
See them! Acknowledge their pain. And hear their heart.
- ‘I love you!’ ~
Simple, right?! This is actually a tough one. It’s important to apply 1 Corinthians 13 model of loving here, not our own. When we use shame as a motivator, it’s self-seeking behavior and communicates the opposite of ‘I love you.’ Again, read 1 Corinthians 13: Memorize it. Write it on your forehead. Soak it in before you take another step. Loving people is so individual. What makes you feel loved, doesn’t necessarily translate to another person. But say it! More importantly, do it!
- ‘We are going to get through this together.’
Together — Did you hear me? This is without a doubt the hardest and most selfless thing you can do for another person. Walking through a painful situation, physically or mentally, is just that – It’s a walk. It always costs you something, personally. It requires you to journey with the person. And you know what? They may not need what you think they need and that’s okay. Keep walking.
Shaming someone into thinking new thoughts or modeling new behaviors will never evoke healing; loving them right where they are, will.
Implementing change is hard. Especially when it requires us to take a hard look at ourselves.
Turn shame into healing, by rephrasing your words:
“Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
Proverbs 16:23
“You need to let other people help you!” Ugh!! This statement makes me want to punch myself in the face. Albeit, true in certain situations, the statement immediately implies that the other person needs to do things the way you think it should be done. You’ve made it about you. Perhaps you’ve never viewed this comment as shaming… but it is. The tone always comes across as a ‘shame on you’ statement. And it shuts others down. Consider using a different phrase and saying it from a place of total humility.
Try this instead:
“Can I help you…?”
“I’d really love to…”
“Do you mind if…”
“Would it be helpful to you, if I …”
And when you say or do these things and you don’t get the response you want, please remember, It’s not about you.
And give the person grace when they say, no.
“You should’ve told me about this so that I….”
Never, in the history of ever, is someone obligated to share something with you, unless it’s your spouse or kids still living in our home. No matter the situation, be it surgery, a major injury or a major emotional wound. It’s a gift to share with others, not a must. Outside of a marriage relationship, any information you receive is a courtesy, not a right.
Try this instead:
“If there’s anything that you need to talk about or need me for… I’m here.”
“I love you.”
“I’m so thankful you shared this news with me.”
Then refer-back to the three steps to ‘healing without shame.’
“You are too private.”
That’s okay. Again, don’t take it personal. Everyone gets to decide what is best for them and their family in every situation. We live in a day and age where information is shared fast. It’s easy to deliver news via text or social media. Sometimes it feels so impersonal, but I believe the way we process the information, regardless of how it was received, undoubtedly can propel our relationships forward or hold them back.
Try this Instead:
“I respect your privacy. I love you and I want to make sure you know that I am here for you.”
Don’t say anything shaming or belittling. There’s zero reason why you must be the first to know and have an all access pass to everything.
“You should’ve been…” resting, reaching out, doing this or not doing that.
Heard. But ‘you should’ve’ statements impede the healing process. Don’t shame someone into sitting still or doing what you think is best without first being invited to speak into those areas. Instead cheer them on, be available, and let the hurting decide their pace.
‘You need to move on and get over it.’
Don’t EVER say this sentence. This is a total face palm moment. Again, It’s not about you. Emotions that are stuffed will always resurface. Trauma that isn’t healed will always leave lasting damage. Grief inspires tears and tears draw our hearts to God.
Try this instead:
“I’m so sorry you are walking through this…”
“I believe God is going to heal your heart.”
“This is hard. I see that and would love to pray with you.”
Through grief you identify the source of pain, through pain you experience healing, through healing God transforms your heart.
No matter where you are in life, God will place you right in the path of someone who is walking through something incredibly painful. Love them well. Without any shame or guilt attached, remind them: You are doing a great job. I love you. We are going to get through this together.
“Do nothing out of selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also the interests of others.”
Philippians 2:3-4
