Mommy, Sing to Me

My heart pounding, my mind racing, and my body trembling — I needed to get to my girl. I knew this might be the last… The last time I’d see her sweet face, touch her soft skin or hold her in my arms.

“Oh Lord, I don’t know if I can do this!”

Moments earlier, my ten-year-old son came running through the front door. With absolute fear and terror in his voice he screamed, “Mom, Ellie was hit by a truck!!” Barefoot, I ran to the car and drove the mile to be with her. With frantic words my son recounted every detail that led up to this moment. It was excruciating to hear him describe what he saw but his words were preparing my heart for what would come next.

We came around the corner and I saw her. She was laying on the ground with her arms stretched out. She was screaming and undoubtedly needed medical attention. Her bike was over two hundred feet away from where she was laying and by the mangled looks of her bike, I knew my girl wasn’t in good shape. I barely had time to put the car in park before my door was open and my feet hit the floor. My eyes were laser focused on her. As I ran, I could hear screaming, “Mo-mm-y!” Her sweet little voice was a shrill, terrifying sound.

She was surrounded by people. They’d heard the loud noise of the accident and came from houses all around. Unselfishly, strangers were working to help calm her and bring peace to a chaotic scene.

Once medical help arrived they stabilized her and directed me to the front of the ambulance. Ellie’s shrill scream was becoming gargled and quiet. As he loaded her into the ambulance the paramedic shot me a look. He didn’t need to say anything — I knew what his look meant.  I began to silently beg God, “Oh Jesus! Please don’t… but if… Please let me tell her goodbye.”

I don’t know if the paramedic saw the desperation in my eyes but the next thing I heard was, “Mom, get over here.” Full of compassion, he looked at me while simultaneously placing his hand on my shoulder and said, “I don’t know what will happen between here and the hospital, nor do I know if she’ll make it, but if you can keep yourself together I’ll let you stay with her in the back of the ambulance.”

I squeezed in next to my girl as the ambulance raced toward the hospital. She looked so little. Her body was bloody and with every passing minute she seemed to struggle more and more to breathe. Her little hand kept reaching for my face. Her vision was cloudy and she couldn’t see much at all. The fear in her voice was palpable and the pain she was feeling was intense. I’d bring her hand to my cheek and remind her that I was right there next to her. She was crying, “Mom, I can’t see you. I can’t see you!!!” “I know sweet girl. I know. I’m right here.” I repeated this over and over in an attempt to comfort her and myself.

With a screechy, shrill voice, she yelled,

“Sing to me mommy. Sing to me.”

I could barely breath. How on earth could I sing to her? I didn’t even know my name, let alone the lyrics to a song. As I held her hand to my cheek, I remembered how minutes earlier I asked God to please let me say goodbye. He was giving me that gift.

Oh Lord. I’m not ready. How do I do this?

“Mommy, sing to me!”

Her words were getting weaker and weaker and her little eyes kept rolling back…

The words to the oldest most hope filled song filled my mouth.

“Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong, they are weak but he is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so.”

The Lord was allowing me to sing her into eternity. She’s been mine for eight years but now I was being asked to give her back.

“Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me…”

Amid the worst situation, God was reminding me that I was His girl and that he loved me, too.

With every word I sang, I could see her moving closer and closer to eternity. Her eyes rolled back in her head and her body started to go limp. The paramedic picked up his communication to the hospital and began to report what was taking place. He yelled, “Step on it!!” to the driver of the ambulance. With one knuckle rubbing her chest and a loud voice, he yelled, “Ellie, Sing with your mom.”

As I sang, her little eyes rolled forward and with the highest pitched voice she began to sing. She was struggling to breathe but she was singing.

“Yes, Jesus loves me…”

‘Who gets to do this?’ I delivered her all those years ago and now I was giving her back. In a moment of excruciating pain, I was overwhelmed with joy. I felt blessed, honored, and completely loved by my heavenly father. I remember thinking to myself, “What mom gets to sing her daughter into the arms of our savior?”

He was letting me love her as He was loving me.

I don’t know what you are facing today, but I do know the God who created you. He is present during tremendous pain and beckoning your heart when life is amazing. He loves you.

Something miraculous happened on that beautiful evening in August 2010. I witnessed God hold my girl and as I released her over to him, he began to hand her back to me.  Despite days in the ICU and months in recovery, He gave my little girl back that day. I’m grateful for the gift of her life. Daily, I get to witness Him shape and mold her into a strong, beautiful woman.

I learned that when I’m willing to hand everything over to God despite my fear, pain, and hurt — He often gives back more than I’d ever asked for.

Your story may look very different than mine, but God is offering you the gift of saying goodbye. Maybe you are holding on to a dream, a marriage, a relationship, a ministry or even a child you are struggling to let go…

Cry out to Him and hand over whatever you are holding onto so tightly.

Where do you need to be reminded in your life of how much Jesus loves you?

I’m not talking about frilly religious talk that doesn’t get you anywhere.

I am talking about daily trusting God and living life surrendered to him even when everything seems to be falling apart.

Sing out to God! 

He will meet you right where you are!

Not after you take a bunch of religious steps or say the right things — right where you are! Cry out in a loud voice. Cry out with a lump in your throat that makes you feel like you can’t breathe.

Continue to sing even when you don’t know what will come next and trust Him with the outcome.