In Your Marriage, You Must Tell Satan to Back the Hell Up!

In your marriage, you must tell Satan to back the hell up!I want to write about all the feel-good things. I do! But writing is such an intimate space where you filet open some of the hardest topics to spur another person on. Sharing life’s biggest battles can be challenging because it forces the writer to address topics that would be much easier hidden away for no one else to see.

I’ve been married for almost two decades and walking side-by-side next to another human, challenges every part of who I am. He thinks differently. He was raised with an entirely different set of parents who do things totally different than my mom ever did. In our early years of marriage, I railed against his way of thinking and thought my way was best.

If I’ve learned anything of value over the years, it’s that all battles must be waged together or the war will be lost. We must choose to navigate life together or allow our differences to drive us further and further apart. The part that rubs against me and leaves me feeling raw and exposed is the reality that I don’t get to hang out on the sidelines hoping it all turns out okay.

If you’ve been married all of ten seconds you are keenly aware that you have a real enemy seeking to destroy every fiber of your marriage. So, you better play hard ball.

The things that you and I may think are little, insignificant issues have the potential to ruin even the best marriages.

Perhaps you, like me, want to see all the hollow places where Satan could take up residency and find a place to create chaos. I want to learn from others and I want to avoid potentially lethal situations that could destroy my marriage. I’m not immune to divorce and neither are you.

Here are seven things we can do TODAY that will cause Satan to back the hell up
{pun intended}

1. Keep your eyes SOLELY on your spouse

I know this feels redundant and may seem like a no brainer, but it’s so easy to make someone else the object of your affection. Flirting or being overly playful with anyone other than your spouse leads nowhere fast. That crush from high school or that ‘other person’ who means no harm on social media… let them go. Be vigilant. It’s a bigger deal than you think. It can seem playful and cute to have a ‘star crush’ or someone you think is super ‘hot’ but don’t entertain this kind of thinking, ever. Not ever! Setting your spouse up to be compared with anyone else isn’t fair. Flirting with anyone other than your spouse is never harmless. In fact, it’s toxic.

Loving someone for a lifetime and keeping your eyes squarely on them isn’t for the faint of heart.

Strip clubs and online porn are the obvious intimacy killers. I could write for days on that subject; I’ll walk away and leave that topic for another day.
If you want to go the distance with your spouse, keep your eyes on them alone. Distractions will come without even searching them out. They will threaten to pull your eyes in another direction. Be diligent and keep your eyes laser focused on the person you married!

2. Don’t grow complacent

Every marriage finds a safe groove. You know? The place where you feel safe, secure and let your guard completely down. That’s a great place to be, it really is. Feeling freedom to be yourself alongside another human is intoxicating. But not if it causes you to think, “He’d never…” or “She’d never…”

Growing complacent will give you a false sense of security, causing you to think you just don’t have to care like you used to. Makeup, what makeup? You may think she likes you scratching or picking your stuff in front of her, but she doesn’t.

Don’t take your spouse for granted. What are some of the things you said or did that captivated your spouse’s heart in the beginning? Those little things are just as important now as they were then.

If it is at all within your power to love your spouse well now, do it. Don’t wait until your marriage is in crisis. Making sandwiches, buying flowers, giving a back rub, or holding hands may feel like ‘so yesterday’… but it’s not. The little things that were important yesterday, are still important today, and will be even more important tomorrow. Those needs will evolve and change but they will never cease to exist.

Tell your spouse if you have any expectations. EX. “I’d really feel loved if you brought me home flowers every once-in-while.” OR, if words of affirmation are her thing… tell her constantly (in creative ways) how great she’s doing and be willing to climb the highest mountain to declare your love. She just wants affirmation that she’s still yours and that you adore her.

If you aren’t actively pursuing your spouse, you are passively pursuing divorce.

3. Get away for a stretch of time

Spending quality time alone together is crucial. For most of us, a dinner and a movie feels like a lot to squeeze in, but it’s absolutely necessary. Spending time alone to talk, plan, and process day-to-day life is an absolute must but getting away for an extended period will expose the nitty gritty of your relationship.

Alone together? No one else?! Nobody? For some, this may seem like a terrible idea. If that’s you… listen closely.

Creating time and space for issues to rumble to the surface is healthy. In our day-to-day lives, we can easily avoid the big things because we busy our day with little things. You must create space for this even if it’s terrifying. Being alone with no distractions is a necessary part of a long-term marriage plan. Even if you think you will be bored out of your mind or you will bicker like school girls – DO it!

Start out with an overnighter. Dinner, hotel, breakfast in the morning. This is fun but it’s getting you ready for something I believe is crucial every couple of years.

Ready for this one… It’s a 4-7 night getaway. NO KIDS. Sleep naked and enjoy being an adult.

Plan accordingly because your time away may look a little less sexy than you originally hoped it would…

First day: “Yay, we’re alone.” No kids. Sex. Talk, talk, talk…

Second day: We’re alone…. Fun… now what? Talk. Oh crap. ‘Does he always eat like that?’ “Why does she constantly talk about that…” I don’t like this hard stuff we are talking about. Tone begins to change. Talking is a little tougher and a lot less surface level. Bubbles start coming to the surface and as the day progresses, conversation starts to boil.

Third day: Not fun. I want to go home. You suck. I suck. The world sucks. Don’t talk to me, look at me or touch me. This trip was worthless.

Fourth day: Okay, we need to deal…really deal with this crap because we are stuck here for another day. Talk, talk, cry, talk, sex, talk, plan, talk, and repeat. Figure out the big issues that need more work and create a plan that addresses both of your hearts.

When the rolling boil happens, it will feel like you will not survive, but as you LISTEN to understand, the healing process begins and life starts to feel much clearer.

Fifth day: ‘You are my person… Here’s what the next fifty years looks like. We are unstoppable.’

Make rest from work, home, and life a normal part of your one-year plan.

Plan for rest together or you will lose the best parts of your marriage and the most fulfilling pieces of your life.

4. Do stuff he or she likes

Make your spouse your favorite hobby. Okay, so obviously, a hobby is something you do that recharges your batteries or refreshes your soul. I get that! Not all things need to be done together all the time. But doing those favorite things with your spouse will strengthen your journey.

I’m not saying a scrapbooking wife must have a husband that sits with her for hours cutting and pasting. No. But what it does mean is you are interested in the things he/she is interested in. Listen for ways to be involved. When she shows you her masterpiece that she’s been working on for weeks, don’t just brush her off. Sit with her. Listen. Look. BE INTERESTED. Ask questions like, “Hey, how’s your project coming?” and be prepared to listen and respond.

Whether he’s into working on cars or working out his muscles. Be engaged. His thing doesn’t have to be your thing. But your attitude will change the way you view him and the things he loves. Don’t just roll your eyes when he says he’s going to go walk around the sports store for the fifth time this month. Dig deep and go with him (without nagging or complaining). If he’s had his eye on a really-awesome tool. Ask his friends. Do some research. Conduct a covert operation that requires you to think about your spouse when you aren’t together.

Loving the things your spouse loves doesn’t require you to lose yourself, but it does require you to be unselfish.

5. Never. Ever. Let anyone talk crap or belittle your spouse. EVER.

Friends… If your friends talk poorly about your spouse or theirs – run hard and fast from that person. Warn them once, but do not allow poor talk to continue if you wish to honor and love your spouse well. There’s no sugar coating this topic. It doesn’t matter who it is… There’s no exception to the rule. DO NOT crap talk your spouse.

If it’s important enough to complain about, it’s important enough to communicate with your spouse about. If you are asking for ‘good’ advice about what to do during a really difficult situation, do it. But don’t ask from someone who bashes, complains or disrespects their spouse. Talk with someone who will hear you out but will lovingly set you straight.

6. Make intimacy a priority

Sex is great… but intimacy is what you are after. Intimacy takes place well before you make it to your bedroom. There’s a deep soul connection that occurs when a man and woman are intimate. Pornography will give sexual release but it will never offer a close, intimate, loving or soul connecting encounter.

Chase hard and fast after intimacy.

Intimacy takes place between two people who chose vulnerability over easy. The slightest touch or quickest glance can ignite a wild fire deep within one’s soul. Continuously pursuing your spouse with the goal of total heart connection, will undoubtedly bring about the most satisfying physical intimacy you could ever hope for. It requires a down payment and continual investment that will pay dividends into eternity. Put in the time, resources, and physical energy to experience intimacy with your spouse. Sex will be a secondary consequence to your well thought out actions.

7. Be willing to get help

You cannot expect to have a lifetime of skills for loving your spouse well all on your own. If you know things could be better seek help. Don’t keep waiting or hoping it gets better. Read books, talk to people who want your marriage to succeed, learn from other healthy couples.

Ask for advice, listen to advice, and apply wisdom.

Ruin your spouse for any other person in all the best ways.

Diligently seek to understand, communicate, and love well. Make sure they feel so loved, so cherished, and so valued that the mere thought of anyone else sends them into a frenzy of wanting to love you even better.

Marriage isn’t a sprint where you run with everything you have for a short distance, expelling all your energy in a brief time. It’s the exact opposite. It is a race that is ran at a sustainable pace for as long as you are willing to go. Love your spouse at a rate that will allow you to run the longest race possible.

Love well, work hard and fast, and keep your eyes set on the long-term goal.