Have you been there? You know, the place of utter hopelessness…
At the beginning of August I found myself in a place I’ve never been, nor do I ever wish to go back.
The voices I heard seemed to scream, ‘You aren’t good enough. You aren’t measuring up and you never will.” A place where the pressure in my life left me feeling hopeless. If only I wasn’t like ‘this’ or like ‘that’– maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t feel so awful.
I was tired. I felt so beat up by life.
Depression is real. Depression is scary. It isolates you.
It lies to you and affirms everything negative you’ve ever thought. It quietly whispers in your ear every criticism and doubt you’ve ever secretly felt.
You begin to think if you could be more like him or more like her, you’d make the cut, but until then…
I slowly began to pull away from anyone that could possibly encourage or speak life into my depressed weary bones. I thought they were just being nice, therefore it made it difficult to hear the truth, life and encouragement anyone was trying to convey to me.
Have you been there?
Here is a raw glimpse into my journal on the darkest night of my life:
“Sitting in a dark room with only the dim light of the moon shining through the cracks of the blinds. The sound of my husband sleeping soundly next to me is all I can hear. He breathes in and out… In and out. Should I wake him? Does he know? Would he notice if I were gone or would he continue to sleep soundly?
Should I scream? “I can‘t! I can‘t go on! This is all too much!”
12:31… 12:42am… 1:36…. I sit. Grasping the sheets below me, I wait. I wait in hopes that the feeling of utter hopelessness passes. I wait. 1:42… 2:50… 3:26… I play out every scenario in my head.
I see them crying. I see them asking, ‘why?’ and I hear the agony in their voices… But I still clench the sheets desperately fighting the urge to be done with life.
The words of disapproval, the reminder that I could be more, do more and simply ‘be better‘ are deafening.
I‘ve taught others that He‘s good, loving and kind, but I sit— 3:34…3:35…3:36… I don‘t see how it‘s true for me.
I need the vice to loosen just a little. It‘s so tight, I can barely breath and the only way I see it loosening is to loosen it myself.
I know I could do better, be wiser and act like I have it all figured out… If only you could be a better actress or learn to play the game.
The shelf in my husband’s closet is calling for me.
Right now, in this moment… I could be done. Would it matter?
It would be so easy and it would no longer matter how ‘good’ I am or how others see me.
My view of how I‘m seen and the reality of who I‘m not is painfully obvious. It is taking everything I have within me not to slowly… quietly, unlock the case, reach inside, grasp it in my hand and be done.
‘The woman of God you believe you are, isn‘t the woman of God others see you as!’
The words …. They‘re deafening.
The site of me, the site of my family is disgusting to those that ‘matter‘ or at least those who have the power to make others think you matter.
So, I sit. I wait. I grasp the sheets and wait for the darkness to pass. Will it pass?”
Feeling hopeless is an awful place to be.
As self-sufficient people, we like to believe we can follow steps A, B and C and magically come out looking exactly the way everyone else wants us to look.
But, the truth is… God didn’t create us that way
He created us to look like Him, period.
For a long time, I struggled to hear truth. The people closest to me stopped what they were doing to remind me of my worth. They spoke honestly and prayed that God would once again remind me that I was His.
But every word seemed to bounce off me. In my hopelessness, I had the hardest time believing that God truly cared for me or that He had purpose for my life.
I fought for truth for weeks and answers seemed to consistently escape me, but in my lowest moments I began to realize that God, the creator of the world and my defender wanted me to be still and trust him.
In my total weakness, He would hold me, even when I thought I was falling apart.
What I thought was me fighting not to end it all, was Him holding me in place.
You see… I don’t want to simply exist. I want to have purpose.
In early August, the voices of disapproval seemed so incredibly loud!
The voices of truth were all but silenced, because truth didn’t seem to matter… BUT slowly God began to remind me who I am, who I belong to, and where I was headed.
There isn’t a single person on this planet that can redefine how you are seen by God.
I’ve been reminded that hope will never come from doing better, thinking more positively or acting the ‘right’ way… Hope is found in Jesus and Jesus alone.
Today, if you find yourself in a place where the voices of disapproval seem deafening… remember, your hope cannot and will never come from people.
You will never be a ‘good enough’ parent.
A good enough Christian.
A good enough spouse.
A good enough employee
OR
A good enough (fill in your own word).
You weren’t created to be ‘good enough.’ Jesus died to be enough. If you were already enough then there would be no purpose for Him.
What a total let down, right?!
Here’s the meat and potatoes.
When we feel down, depressed, and without hope, the voices of truth are all but silenced. We block out truth and we begin to believe lies that we were never meant to claim as truth. Jesus came to earth and willingly gave up his life at our lowest point. He knew we would face times of uncertainty, depression and loneliness. He knew people would say and do stupid things, yet He still knew His grace would be sufficient.
Being ‘good enough’ is a lie you no longer must claim as truth.
We need Jesus. We need Him on the most exciting days, on the mediocre days, and in the deep valley’s we walk through.
Fight for truth and allow God to remain God. He is more than capable of handling your situation and your brokenness.
If you’ve never made Jesus the Lord of your life, I want to invite you to pray this simple prayer. You aren’t asking him to make you ‘good enough’ because He is already enough. He wants your heart and He wants you to be transformed because of who He is not because of who you are.
Jesus, I need you! Today, I ask you to come into my life. Transform my heart and be Lord of my life. I recognize my total need for you and I ask that you cleanse my heart and forgive me of my sins. You are a good God and from today forward I want to put my future in your hands. I trust you. Thank you for willingly giving your life for me. ~ Amen
(If you just prayed this prayer don’t keep it a secret. You need people to walk beside you. Tell me, tell a friend. Let us rejoice with you!! You are a treasured and vital member of the body of Christ.)
